Man need not head a Christian family

One theme that often defines the nature of Christian families is that a man needs to be at the head of it. That is fine for those families who willingly enter into those arrangements, but is a poor expression of best practice. If the implication is that families without a man at the head are somehow handicapped we unfairly undermine the value of families where that is not a practical reality.

Consider a family with a single mother. We should not make her feel like her children are going to be worse off no matter what her efforts because she doesn’t have the time, or perhaps the inclination, to bring a man into her life to be part of the careful balance she has cultivated with her children without one.

Consider a family where the man has been head of the house for many years. The woman has a very rigid role with set responsibilities. Neither the husband nor wife have a real appreciation for what the other does. They certainly haven’t taken the time to involve themselves with what the other does or share those responsibilities in any way.

What happens if the husband dies or leaves the wife for another woman? Suddenly she’s not just coping with loss but also how to fill the gaps her husband has filled without a transition or handover. Especially if she was a stay at home mother, she may be faced with having to re-skill and re-enter the workforce while still feeling like she has to maintain what she used to be able to do with her children.

What happens if the husband’s capacity is diminished through accident or an illness like post traumatic stress disorder? There’s not only the adjustment of the set gender roles to cope with, but the danger that the man finds his sense of manhood diminished because he’s not able to fulfil the duties he once took care of. When those duties are part of what that man feels defines his masculinity, it can lead to a further mood of depression that can weigh down on the household.

If families are more comfortable in a partnership where neither leads, and gender roles are not fixed, we should praise the practicality of an arrangement sensitive to the reality of the world, rather than trumpet a Christian alternative in such a way to devalue it.